A little while back a friend of mine sent me this link and it is really interesting that what we put into our bodies by the way of food can contribute to our well being. Click the link below to see how oily fish, raw cacao, chia seeds, acai and hebal tea can help with anxiety and depression.
Peace and love Sammi xx
Its taken me a long time to write this post and it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for quite a while. I am now on a television add for Capri Hospital and I’ve had many people texting me asking what it is all about. So here is my story.
For as long as I can remember I have been anxious, from my first day at school not wanting to let go of Mum to hiding in my room because my hair didn’t look right, to missing out on play dates because I was to scared to go to others houses. My school days are remembered by crying in class because I didn’t know how to ask for help and was scared that I would fail everything. It couldn’t have been all an anxious knot of worry though because I won the friendship award in standard four, clearly I made some friends.
My anxiety got worse at intermediate where I was teased and called “sheep” for having curly hair. Where I had braces and didn’t eat because I didn’t want to have food in my teeth and where I moved from group to group of friends like a floater lost in the crowd because I was to scared to commit to a group where I would have to be my real self.
I somehow got through though and made it to high school and it was here that my friend anxiety met depression. I remember it clearly, it was our school festival day and we all got to dress up in our house colours I was yellow for Roses and painted my arms and face. I thought I looked really good. I had a blast singing and dancing all day and went home with a smile on my face. Mum greeted us in the car and took us home I knew something was up by the way she was so quiet. To cut a long sad story short we found out that night that Dad had cancer and he suffered gravely for three long years. I wasn’t prepared for the death of my loving father and I spiraled out of control eventually being diagnosed with depression and put onto medication.
Years past, four in fact where I slowly but surely got myself into trouble with alcohol drugs and boys. Alcohol was great at banishing anxiety and I became the life of the party always out and about having a good time. Anxiety had finally been replaced and it felt great. I masked the depression by being very social, always out for a good time. Life was good I was young and free but didn’t realise I was heading for dangerous waters.
It was when I reached 20 that I hit my first rock bottom. I was living a double life. Miss sociable at work and in the night scene but Miss isolated as soon I got home. I would lock myself in my bedroom and cry. And not just sob but hysterically scream like the devil was inside me. I had no idea what was happening, no clue as to why I felt such rage. All I knew was that I was hurting and I didn’t want anyone to know because how on earth could anyone help me? Obviously my family noticed and they were scared. I can’t believe what I put them through with my sudden mood swings and explicit behaviour. I was meant to be the big responsible sister setting an example but it was pretty clear I needed help. In desperation Mum arranged a meeting with the local public mental health team and they assessed me. Mums tells it that I wasn’t Sammi that day I had “the crazy eyes” and was only a shell of myself. I was dosed with medication up to my eye balls and from there a long journey of doctors, psychologists and counselors followed. I was never quite normal, either really low or really high never able to find a balance. It was during this time that I found self harm and comfort in suicidal thoughts. Cutting my arms was a euphoric experience it seemed to take the pain away that was eating me from the inside. I only dabbled in this behavior for a short while as I soon realised I would have to live with the scars for ever and I was all about hiding my illness. Suicidal thoughts however never left.
Life seemed to get better for a time I went to Uni traveled overseas and even lived in Asia for a year. I thought I had finally grown up and got over what ever was messing with my head.
Then I hit my second rock bottom. I was teaching in an early childhood centre, my dream job, but it was stressful and anxiety came right back into my life in a big way. I remember one night after a particularly hard day I complained of chest pain, it was so bad that I was convinced that I was having some kind of heart trouble. I went to the emergency and the kind doctor tried telling me it was anxiety but I was adamant that I was over that and there was seriously something wrong with me. As he was explaining that my body was reacting in a way to cope with the stress it dawned on me that the anxiety was back and I had to stare at it cold in the face. It was a very quick decent as I succumbed to the illness, the anxiety brought back the depression and it wasn’t long before I was praying at night that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I just wanted out as I couldn’t face reality and this disease. I went back to the public mental health team and finally I found a doctor who understood where my anxiety came from but she was under resourced and couldn’t spend the time with me that was needed. I was sleeping all the time dosed up on medications that kept the fear of the world at bay. I developed a low degree of social phobia and would not leave the house without my Mum I had to let go of my job and isolated away from my friends. My family were very hurt by this and my Mum came to me one day with her iPad and said have a look at this. I think this place can help you. She had the Capri website and I saw that they ran a mental health programme. I wanted help this time and agreed to go for a consultation with the mental health counselor. I remember being overwhelmed by the place with its eccentric sculptures and lavish rooms but I felt a sense of hope within the rooms and agreed to a one month stay where I would get one on one counselling, group therapy and hopefully the help I needed. Capri saved my life. I immediately felt a connection with the other clients and was finally able to tell my story in a safe environment. I don’t know what it is about the place but you will hear many clients describe it as magic. A mystical place that takes away fears and insecurities and brightens the future ahead. I worked hard during the programme pin pointing where my anxiety and depression came from and learning how to cope with the emotions that emerged from it. I learnt about radical acceptance, mindfulness and how to be grateful, but most importantly I learnt to appreciate the small things and the people around me. I learnt to reach out and ask for help and understood that I wasn’t alone.
I left Capri with my head held high and had a repertoire of coping strategies that I was to use for the next six months. I was in recovery and it rocked.
Unfortunately I didn’t listen to one important piece of advice which was to avoid drastic change in your first two years of recovery. I was on such a high after the experience that I thought I could take on the world I moved into a flat got another stressful teaching job and had a very active social life drinking in the weekends and exhausting myself.
My third and FINAL rock bottom seemed to come out of no where and saw me driving with my eyes closed into a busy round about hoping a truck would take me out. Fortunately all that happened was that I got a horn full of abuse and I snapped out of my suicidal episode I drove straight to Capri and asked to stay a while to sort out my head. The second time around I learnt so much more about myself and identified that I had gone wrong by pushing myself to far. I had to accept that I was unwell and it was the simple life for me. I also decided to stay sober. Alcohol is a depressant and I couldn’t afford to have any substance mess with my head. I got a wonderful sponsor and completed a 12 step programme which taught me so much more about myself and taught me to give back. I now volunteer at Capri working with the new clients by sharing my story. It has now been 11 months since I graduated from my second stay and I am truly living the dream. I hope that by sharing my story I can help others with depression and anxiety and look forward to answering any questions that anyone may have.
teacher dreamer traveler and believer 